Meterhenge: Would YOU Send This to Clonehenge??

photos by Dan “French”

Remember that jelly henge a couple of months ago? The one we suspected was made of blood but that the contributor told us was raspberry and blueberry? No? Well, we said then that we would get back to the topics of the town of Baldock  and contributor Dan Not-Actually-from-France “French.”

And now we are doing that thing. These two photos were sent to us by Mr. French (You can see his photo here. Does that even look like a real person to you??) or whoever we’re actually dealing with. Raise your hands: how many of you would have taken a picture of this circle of meters and posted it to the Clonehenge Facebook group for us to see?

As expected, from where we are sitting we see NO hands. Our mysterious friend is on his own. He called the circle Meterhenge, One of the Seven Wonders of Baldock. We were trying to think of ways to be polite about telling him that this was as much like a Stonehenge replica as a traffic cone is like a Giza pyramid replica when we realised that the sly devil was being much more esoteric than he’d let on. This isn’t a Stonehenge replica–it is a replica of the oldest known temple in the world, Gobekli Tepe! The resemblance is stunning!

Mr. French’s comment when we mentioned it: “The name Baldock is supposed to have historical connections to Baghdad, too…uncanny, eh?” Heh. We won’t go into the distance between that part of Turkey and Baghdad in Iraq. He knows all that. Obviously we are dealing with one of the Illuminati, possibly even a shape-shifting reptilian, trying to act like a regular human being. (Remember how we told you that Baldock was founded by the Knights Templar?!) We may as well play along. Yes, Mr. French. Uncanny.

So that’s that. Let this be a lesson to all: don’t send us ridiculous circles of things that don’t resemble Stonehenge at all. We refuse to post them. Unless they resemble some obscure megalithic site that we’ve always wanted to work into our blog somehow, or unless you belong to a race of beings who could wipe out our extended family and both of our friends instantaneously without leaving a trace! This was one of those cases. We leave you, Gentle Reader, to guess which one.

Until next time, which may involve the hither-to unhenged state of New Jersey, happy henging!

P.S.: Are those things actually meters? What do they do exactly? Inquiring minds want to know! It might shed some light on the research at Gobekli Tepe.

Jellyhenge: Why Shouldn’t Stonehenge Be Red, Transparent, and Edible?!

photo by Dan French, used with permission (at least until he reads this)

This henge was presented to us by Dan French. We assume he or someone he knows created it, but who knows? The man does not seem to be trustworthy. For one thing, he gives his name as Dan French, but–get this–he IS NOT ACTUALLY FRENCH!!!1!! Like we wouldn’t notice that!

Also, he is a Bruce Springsteen fan. From Baldock, Hertfordshire. Does that seem right to you? Baldock, we happen to know (because we just read it on Wikipedia) was founded by THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR!!!!1!(one)! and was the site of a leper colony in medieval times. How are lepers and the Knights Templar connected with Bruce Springsteen? And jelly? (We will again take up the topic of Baldock in a future post!)

Whew! There. Two solid informational paragraphs–and at first we were afraid we wouldn’t be able to write anything thoughtful about this henge. Pshaw. This is why we are the best Stonehenge replica blog going!

Which reminds us, what about the Stonehenge replica? We do love our Gentle Readers but they constantly work to get us off topic, as if we were an eccentric secondary school physics teacher. What we have here, Class, appears to be four outer trilithons and two inner trilithons. A little short of the real thing, but we have to take into account the superior materials. This is the henge the ancients wanted to build, but they didn’t have the advantage of modern gelatin technology.

Mr. “French” (Lestat?) claims the outer trilithons are raspberry and the inner are blueberry, cleverly giving a nod to the bluestones. But we all know how dependable he is. This could well be the ultimate blood sacrifice henge, with the blood incorporated directly into the megaliths!!

Not to get off the subject (heh), but have you seen this srsly awesome slow motion video of jelly (or Jello or Jell-O) cubes being dropped onto a hard surface? We do not use or advocate drugs, but if you are already smoked up or tripping, you will have a distinct advantage in enjoying this. And for the jelly-shot types, did you know that if you make them with Bacardi 151, they are so strong that they can kill you, but they can also be lit on fire?! DO NOT try this at home, especially if you have a couple of them first, even though that IS when you’re likely to be tempted!

What’s that you say? Henge? Oh, right. Let us address the score. The stone shapes are not right. There is no continuous linteling on the outer circle. The inner trilithons are not higher than the outer and there aren’t enough of them. No outliers or altar stone, no Aubrey holes… The list goes on and on.  But–it IS clear and wobbly. Think of the sunrise shining through this one, people! Think of the rare lichens. (?) We have carelessly given decent scores to much worse replicas than this.

Score: 6 druids! Congratulations, Mr. “Dan French”, but we’re still onto you. Millions of people would do anything to penetrate the prestigious world of Stonehenge replicas, including assuming false identities. Our nanotechnological insects are seeking you out as we speak. This isn’t our last post concerning you, sir!

To all of the rest of our Gentle Readers, know the chapter on vectors by Thursday. And until then, happy henging!