Jellyhenge: Why Shouldn’t Stonehenge Be Red, Transparent, and Edible?!

photo by Dan French, used with permission (at least until he reads this)

This henge was presented to us by Dan French. We assume he or someone he knows created it, but who knows? The man does not seem to be trustworthy. For one thing, he gives his name as Dan French, but–get this–he IS NOT ACTUALLY FRENCH!!!1!! Like we wouldn’t notice that!

Also, he is a Bruce Springsteen fan. From Baldock, Hertfordshire. Does that seem right to you? Baldock, we happen to know (because we just read it on Wikipedia) was founded by THE KNIGHTS TEMPLAR!!!!1!(one)! and was the site of a leper colony in medieval times. How are lepers and the Knights Templar connected with Bruce Springsteen? And jelly? (We will again take up the topic of Baldock in a future post!)

Whew! There. Two solid informational paragraphs–and at first we were afraid we wouldn’t be able to write anything thoughtful about this henge. Pshaw. This is why we are the best Stonehenge replica blog going!

Which reminds us, what about the Stonehenge replica? We do love our Gentle Readers but they constantly work to get us off topic, as if we were an eccentric secondary school physics teacher. What we have here, Class, appears to be four outer trilithons and two inner trilithons. A little short of the real thing, but we have to take into account the superior materials. This is the henge the ancients wanted to build, but they didn’t have the advantage of modern gelatin technology.

Mr. “French” (Lestat?) claims the outer trilithons are raspberry and the inner are blueberry, cleverly giving a nod to the bluestones. But we all know how dependable he is. This could well be the ultimate blood sacrifice henge, with the blood incorporated directly into the megaliths!!

Not to get off the subject (heh), but have you seen this srsly awesome slow motion video of jelly (or Jello or Jell-O) cubes being dropped onto a hard surface? We do not use or advocate drugs, but if you are already smoked up or tripping, you will have a distinct advantage in enjoying this. And for the jelly-shot types, did you know that if you make them with Bacardi 151, they are so strong that they can kill you, but they can also be lit on fire?! DO NOT try this at home, especially if you have a couple of them first, even though that IS when you’re likely to be tempted!

What’s that you say? Henge? Oh, right. Let us address the score. The stone shapes are not right. There is no continuous linteling on the outer circle. The inner trilithons are not higher than the outer and there aren’t enough of them. No outliers or altar stone, no Aubrey holes… The list goes on and on.  But–it IS clear and wobbly. Think of the sunrise shining through this one, people! Think of the rare lichens. (?) We have carelessly given decent scores to much worse replicas than this.

Score: 6 druids! Congratulations, Mr. “Dan French”, but we’re still onto you. Millions of people would do anything to penetrate the prestigious world of Stonehenge replicas, including assuming false identities. Our nanotechnological insects are seeking you out as we speak. This isn’t our last post concerning you, sir!

To all of the rest of our Gentle Readers, know the chapter on vectors by Thursday. And until then, happy henging!

It’s Got Character, Charm, and a Slab in the Middle–Celebrating Our 300th Post!

Brought to our attention by the ever-vigilant Wiltshire citizen and elegant shutterbug, Mr. Pete Glastonbury, this bit of video is part of The Complete and Utter History of Britain, a project done by Terry Jones and Michael Palin in their pre-Monty Python days.

In it, a realtor is showing Stonehenge to a young couple as a potential home (despite its being a bit drafty). The monument in question appears to be a circle of six trilithons, as seen at second 15 of the video. A Stonehenge replica from 1969–excellent!

Score: 6 druids. Wish we could give them more, but Palin (that’s Michael, not Sarah) had yet to perfect his tourism schtick. Our thanks to all of our readers–even those who stumbled on the blog while searching “nudity mandatory“! Keep sending us those links and pictures and keep building those linteled stone circles. The future needs them, for some reason we have yet to divine.

Until next time, happy henging!

H is For Henge: The Salisbury Hospital Trilithon

photo by Matt Penny, aka @Salisbury_Matt (but heartlessly cropped and altered by evil Clonehenge elves)

When we receive an email with the subject line, “Does this count?” it appeals to our considerable megalomaniacal tendencies. That is correct, minions! It is completely up to us. We alone decide what is henge-sufficient and what is not. Ha. And this time friend of the blog Mr. Matt Penny, knowing our weakness for flattery, played on it in order to be given the prestigious name of Discoverer of a Large Permanent Replica. Well  done, sir!

What and where is it, you ask? Mr. Penny (yes, alert reader, that same young Mr. Penney we have mentioned before as the creator and sovereign of the website Salisbury and Stonehenge.net) says it is “a tri-lithon style ‘H’ which stands at the entrance to Salisbury District Hospital (usually known as Odstock)”  He goes on to say, “My feeling is that this is at least possibly a clonehenge rather than a simple stone ‘H‘ because of its elevation on a vaguely tumulus or tor shaped mound, and because of it’s relative proximity to the stones themselves (or clonehenge v0.1, as I’m starting to think of them).”

Although we prefer to think of ourselves as the only truly clever people,  we grudgingly admit that it was perceptive of Mr. Penny to look at this sculpture and realise that it is indeed a reference to that great grey heap of stones out on Salisbury plain. Proof that his hunch was correct can be seen on the sculptor’s website where it tells us the piece was “Commissioned by Salisbury Health Authority : H FOR HOSPITAL, a 6 tonne trilithon of Chilmark stone to mark the entrance to a new hospital. Click HERE to view.” [H IS FOR HOSPITAL–nice title but I think all of us here know what H is actually for!]

That word trilithon is the clincher. Put the word trilithon into Google along with the name Salisbury and one topic dominates the results–Stonehenge. Therefore this stone H fits solidly into the category of Stonehenge sculptures. In an odd twist, the notch method of inserting the third stone actually makes the sculpture more like the famous Tongan stone trilithon than like any of the trilithons at Stonehenge. But we are not ones to nit-pick (Much. Heh.).

More from Salisbury Matt, because he says it so well (or is it because we’re too lazy to write it ourselves? Surely not.): “The other quite nice aspect is that it’s made of Chilmark stone, which I *think* is the the stone that was used to build the Cathedral (I’ve never really been much into ley-lines etc, but Salisbury Cathedral and Stonehenge kind of go together – somebody like Dr Johnson said something like they are the ‘first essay and the last perfection of architecture’).

Wikipedia notes that Chilmark stone appears to have been used to pack around the base of at least one of the uprights at Stonehenge. This sculpture certainly ties in nicely. Curiously, when a hospital near to Clonehenge headquarters, far from Wilts, tried to call a huge H on their premises a sculpture, authorities judged it to be a commercial sign, denying them privileges or tax breaks. Maybe they should have made it of crude stone and called it a Stonehenge replica. Psh! And people say that our topic has no practical applications!

As for a score, we’re charmed by the connection of the Wiltshire Chilmark stone, the placement of it on a mound, and even the connection to healing, rumoured to be one of the functions of Stonehenge itself. We give it 5½ druids, not a bad score for a mere trilithon. And we give to Matt Penny that most coveted of titles–official Clonehenge Finder of a large permanent replica. Please, Monsieur Penny , we don’t want to hear about all the free drinks and action (wink, wink) you get as a result. Meanwhile don’t forget, other readers, if you want that kind of glory, make or find a Stonehenge replica and send us pictures! Your life will change in ways you can only imagine!

And to everyone, happy henging!